Have Your Say So

A little known fact about the UK voting reforms after World War I, in which women were first given the vote, is that a number of other societal groups were also awarded the right to vote for the first time. Men whose earlobes were longer than half an inch had previously been denied the ability to vote, on the grounds that Philip II of Spain, who led the Armada against the rule of Queen Elizabeth I, had strikingly long earlobes himself. Similarly, men who had been diagnosed with any sort of skin condition were not allowed to vote until this time, as skin blemishes were widely believed to be a sign of demonic possession.

Out On A Limb

The ancient celts practised a sport in which they repeatedly attempted to maim each another, according to a recent research paper. Players on opposing teams would take turns throwing one another across a field covered with sharpened objects such as rocks, blades and disused car parts, in order to inflict as many injuries as possible. The winning team was whichever had the greatest number of remaining limbs after each turn had been taken. Any limbs not fully attached would be ceremonially bitten off by the oldest living male in the clan who would then use them to punish unruly children and animals. Acts such as biting, raping and garrotting were prohibited and would penalised by removing a single limb from the offending side.

The Worm Turns

The ancient Mayans believed that worms could predict the future! Recent excavations have uncovered a type of ceremonial wooden board on which the insects are believed to have been dropped from a height. Positions at which the worms landed would then be fed into a complex set of formulae and ultimately used to make decisions regarding agriculture, diet and hairstyling. Archaeologists have been forced to revisit previous appraisals of the Mayans as an extremely advanced civilisation. In the light of these discoveries, they are now believed to have been a seriously backward people, I mean worms for christ's sake.

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

The Italian pasta dish Carbonara was traditionally made with the help of the oldest unmarried woman in the local village, who would carry the parmesan cheese around in her undergarments for 2-3 weeks prior to the dish being prepared!

Butter Wouldn't Melt

Leonardo Da Vinci suffered from a crippling aversion to butter, according to recent historical research. The phobia was a well-kept secret until the recent publication of documents describing an episode during which he was said to have screamed like a child, knocked over a sacred table and spoken in tongues on having been offered a light snack during a Vatican gathering.

Wrapped Around Your Little Finger?

Pie-makers in Eighteenth century Florence were permitted by law to insert a finger into any citizen of their choice, every second Friday during Lent. The law has been widely attributed to an influential nephew of Victor Emmanuel II, who is also believed to have invented the jacket.

Down in the Mouth

Lawmakers in the Eastern European province of Batserjan are considering a controversial constitutional change which will outlaw use of the mouth on a Tuesday. The ban will prohibit activities such as licking an ice-cream van, singing a rousing melody and kissing a dying sailor, all of which are said to be popular activities in the region.

Letter of the Law

A new dictionary is to be developed for members of the Church of the Unfallen Moon, who object to traditional volumes on the grounds that they use some words containing the letter F, which church followers believe to be extremely dangerous. According to UfM texts, words that contain the letter produce higher levels of 'malign fibrous energy' in the atmosphere, leading to increased frivolity in the vapid.

Keeping It Real

Scientists have discovered the true nature of reality - and it's taupe! Having first assured us that we ordinary folks needn't concern ourselves with the detail, Dr Neil Maccckie of the Royal Phenomenofactical Institute tried to explain the development in layman's terms:

"If you think of a kind-of spongy block of concrete cheese, then imagine it being sliced into an infinite number of perpendicular pieces from the inside. Now imagine these innumerable pieces floating off in every direction, but as they move forward in space, they move sideways in time, so that everywhere is somewhere, and nowhere is upside down. It's a little like that really, but without the foam."

Thinkers at the Institute are expected to use the discovery to further their campaign to prevent schoolteachers from hesitating before answering complicated questions from pupils about truth, consciousness and morality.

A woman needs a book like a fish needs...?

Women are to be prevented from entering bookshops as part of an upcoming scheme to further empower them. Instead, all towns in the UK will feature branches of the all-female 'Fabuloustorez!' chain, in which they will be encouraged to purchase 'chick-lit', relationship based self-help publications and glossy magazines in a female-focussed environment, with powerful spotlights and mirrors on every surface so that guests can view themselves at every imaginable angle without even having to visit a high street changing room. It is hoped that the new stores will allow the complex modern woman to get her 'fix' of empty-headed prose without the inconvenience of being surrounded by literature, politics, history, philosophy and science, which are naturally of no relevance whatever. The scheme replaces last year's controversial proposal for a country-wide system of 'Truth Booths' in which women would stand naked staring at the word "unfuckable" for 40 minutes a day.