Hell on Wheels?

The Ford Motor Company made a speedy withdrawal of a car introduced to the European market in the late 1930s. The model, called the Ford Nazi, was a luxury motor car aimed at the top end of the motoring market, such as it was between the wars. The company had carried out research in targeting the wealthiest European countries, naming the new vehicles with reference to current events and culture. It is believed that the car was also intended to commemorate the well-documented mutual admiration between Henry Ford and the then German Chancellor, Adolf Hitler. Ford eventually bowed to pressure, withdrew and apparently destroyed the vehicles following a series of protests, but rumour has it a certain movie actor, famed for his less than affectionate comments regarding the Jewish people, has one locked away in a secret storage facility hidden under the Grand Canyon.

Power Corrupts?

Maggots eat plutonium! According to recent research that is. Scientists working to reassure those of us who persist in worrying about the ever increasing use of nuclear power are claiming to have conclusively proven the ease with which nuclear waste can be disposed. Experiments with vermin failed but the research group responsible for the project made a triumphant announcement this week. Apparently the maggots involved in the study just couldn't get enough of the stuff either. And early reports of any side effects in the insects seem encouraging, with the only negative consequences noted to date including a slightly unpleasant smell, a change in musical tastes, and a tendency for a small portion of the maggots to turn into psychotic 50 foot flying radioactive lizard beasts.

Catch Me If You Can?

Few people are aware that the tradition of throwing the bouquet at a wedding actually originated in a practise first observed in wartime Europe during the Holocaust. Jewish families who had been found by the Nazis and who were being forcibly taken to the death camps would throw flowers, petals, and other small objects such as pebbles or cous cous, in an attempt to warn others in the area. The practise was brought to the UK by survivors who moved here after the war, and wished to preserve the memory of the atrocities that they and their families had experienced for future generations. It is as yet unclear whether or not any other prevalent wedding traditions, such as the "pink angel and strap-on" themed hen-night, hymen repair surgery, or reception highlight, the Grease mega-mix, were also forged through circumstances relating to mass genocide.

Red Tape?

Few people know this, but it's technically impossible for a colour-blind person to be elected Prime Minister of Great Britain. One of our many baffling ancient laws holds that anyone who cannot 'discern apple from bloodied calf' should not be trusted with the highest office. In the event that a person suffering from colour blindness is in fact leader of the winning party in a general election, it is estimated that the cost to the taxpayer, for the requisite legal processes involved in ratifying the result, may stretch upwards of exorbitant.

Sink or Swim

In the Welsh region of Brosiekaptwyth it is traditional to welcome a new baby into the community by immersing it bodily in cider for upwards of 3 minutes. The practise, observed for hundreds of years, is currently under threat due to the latest, extremely strict interpretation of Health and Safety laws on the part of the local council, who claim that there is an inherent risk of death to the child - despite the fact that in the past 10 years only 70% of the babies born in the area have actually died during the ceremony, and only 40% of the remaining 30% died on the same day. Where is this interference going to end? I'm having my annual Deer and Turkey Fuck and Feed Fest Fun and Child Stab Party Day next week and I dare officials to try and stop me.

On the Sauce?

Brown Sauce turns into a kind of liquid amber if you pass it through a sieve made from satirised copper. A Mr Gip of Saltcoats is believed to have been the first person to discover this unusual fact when he was conducting a series of experiments into the properties of various condiments on behalf of the publican's association. So far the technique has remained mainly the practise of sole enthusiasts, but a recent trend for edible accessories has seen the creation of a range of related products, such as the havoc inspired berry shaped turtle helmet keyrings currently on sale at Halfords and La Senza.

On The Ball

A hitherto undiscovered musical instrument was discovered last week by archaeologists working on a remote Greek island. The instrument was said to have been played using the genitals of the most overweight male in the local area. Rhythmic and often truly melodic sounds would be made by rubbing the glans against holes in the object while shaking it back and forth at the same time. Sure, it all sounds fascinating, but last night researchers, having been put under repeated pressure by the press, were forced to admit that it might actually just be a discarded car part.

The Future Is Now

Recent historical research has uncovered previously unseen documents in which the alleged illegitimate son of Queen Elizabeth I is reported to have made a series of predictions that later turned out to be true. The troubled child, who was hidden away not only on the basis that he had been conceived out of wedlock, but also because he had an undiagnosed condition scholars believe would now be easily identified as schizophrenic eczema, due to which he developed at an early age, a habit of attempting to lick the shins of anyone who happened to have black hair on their face. Leaked information indicates that among the predictions recorded are the First World War, the Holocaust and second runner up of X Factor 2008. The provenance of the find has yet to be established but it seems safe at this stage to assume that they are indeed authentic, although there is always a chance it'll turn out to be a complete pile of shite.

A Bad Sign?

Scientific research has revealed that Capricorns are more likey to behave like absolute bastards. A recent study published somewhere has found that a significant percentage of people born between the end of December and mid January are total fucking pricks. The scientists involved have yet to comment on any theories as to why this could be the case, but you must admit, we've all known some right arseholes with birthdays at that time of year.

Everything in its Place?

Until 1997, maps produced in the Middle Eastern country of Aphlarkistakn did not depict the Asian province of Xhishting on the grounds that it was the same shape as a lady's fallopian tubes. The ban on reproducing the area's shape was only finally lifted due to a legal loophole through which several leading cartographers had been reported to have tragically fallen.