Bread of Life?

A group of scientists and historians is attempting to prove that Jesus was lactose intolerant. The controversial research program has set tongues wagging among religious scholars, who have traditionally devoted very little attention to the possible food allergies of the messiah.

The research has been undermined by a recent investigation, which uncovered details of the funding structure for the program. It turns out the team are being paid by a conglomeration of producers in the soya industry as part of a bid to force Christian churches to use vegan host products.

Past studies by food standards regulators found communion wafers in the UK to contain a variety of unsavoury ingredients including insect larvae, wombat extract and ground sparrow husk.

Some manufacturers defended their methods by pointing out the fact that the host is primarily a symbolic object and therefore cannot be judged on its literal content. A decision has yet to be reached about whether emblematic Christ constitutes a banned food product under either UK or EU law.