On The Ball

A hitherto undiscovered musical instrument was discovered last week by archaeologists working on a remote Greek island. The instrument was said to have been played using the genitals of the most overweight male in the local area. Rhythmic and often truly melodic sounds would be made by rubbing the glans against holes in the object while shaking it back and forth at the same time. Sure, it all sounds fascinating, but last night researchers, having been put under repeated pressure by the press, were forced to admit that it might actually just be a discarded car part.

The Future Is Now

Recent historical research has uncovered previously unseen documents in which the alleged illegitimate son of Queen Elizabeth I is reported to have made a series of predictions that later turned out to be true. The troubled child, who was hidden away not only on the basis that he had been conceived out of wedlock, but also because he had an undiagnosed condition scholars believe would now be easily identified as schizophrenic eczema, due to which he developed at an early age, a habit of attempting to lick the shins of anyone who happened to have black hair on their face. Leaked information indicates that among the predictions recorded are the First World War, the Holocaust and second runner up of X Factor 2008. The provenance of the find has yet to be established but it seems safe at this stage to assume that they are indeed authentic, although there is always a chance it'll turn out to be a complete pile of shite.

A Bad Sign?

Scientific research has revealed that Capricorns are more likey to behave like absolute bastards. A recent study published somewhere has found that a significant percentage of people born between the end of December and mid January are total fucking pricks. The scientists involved have yet to comment on any theories as to why this could be the case, but you must admit, we've all known some right arseholes with birthdays at that time of year.

Everything in its Place?

Until 1997, maps produced in the Middle Eastern country of Aphakistakn did not depict the Asian province of Xhishting on the grounds that it was the same shape as a lady's fallopian tubes. The ban on reproducing the area's shape was only finally lifted due to a legal loophole through which several leading cartographers had been reported to have tragically fallen.

Have Your Say So

A little known fact about the UK voting reforms after World War I, in which women were first given the vote, is that a number of other societal groups were also awarded the right to vote for the first time. Men whose earlobes were longer than half an inch had previously been denied the ability to vote, on the grounds that Philip II of Spain, who led the Armada against the rule of Queen Elizabeth I, had strikingly long earlobes himself. Similarly, men who had been diagnosed with any sort of skin condition were not allowed to vote until this time, as skin blemishes were widely believed to be a sign of demonic possession.

Out On A Limb

The ancient celts practised a sport in which they repeatedly attempted to maim each another, according to a recent research paper. Players on opposing teams would take turns throwing one another across a field covered with sharpened objects such as rocks, blades and disused car parts, in order to inflict as many injuries as possible. The winning team was whichever had the greatest number of remaining limbs after each turn had been taken. Any limbs not fully attached would be ceremonially bitten off by the oldest living male in the clan who would then use them to punish unruly children and animals. Acts such as biting, raping and garrotting were prohibited and would penalised by removing a single limb from the offending side.

The Worm Turns

The ancient Mayans believed that worms could predict the future! Recent excavations have uncovered a type of ceremonial wooden board on which the insects are believed to have been dropped from a height. Positions at which the worms landed would then be fed into a complex set of formulae and ultimately used to make decisions regarding agriculture, diet and hairstyling. Archaeologists have been forced to revisit previous appraisals of the Mayans as an extremely advanced civilisation. In the light of these discoveries, they are now believed to have been a seriously backward people, I mean worms for christ's sake.

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

The Italian pasta dish Carbonara was traditionally made with the help of the oldest unmarried woman in the local village, who would carry the parmesan cheese around in her undergarments for 2-3 weeks prior to the dish being prepared!

Butter Wouldn't Melt

Leonardo Da Vinci suffered from a crippling aversion to butter, according to recent historical research. The phobia was a well-kept secret until the recent publication of documents describing an episode during which he was said to have screamed like a child, knocked over a sacred table and spoken in tongues on having been offered a light snack during a Vatican gathering.

Wrapped Around Your Little Finger?

Pie-makers in Eighteenth century Florence were permitted by law to insert a finger into any citizen of their choice, every second Friday during Lent. The law has been widely attributed to an influential nephew of Victor Emmanuel II, who is also believed to have invented the jacket.