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Friday, 27 February 2009

Not Big, But Clever

Locusts have an average IQ of 162 and can understand most computer programming languages, a recent study has shown. They enjoy the novels of Proust, but find Jane Austen a bit tedious.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Good Things Come in Small Packages

Donald Sutherland paid a dwarf to follow him around for six months leading up to the filming of Don't Look Now. The intention was to make him feel sufficiently unnerved, but he and the dwarf actually became friends, forming an acquaintance that led to the marriage of Sutherland's daughter Validity to an overweight bus driver and his sarcastic veterinarian sidekick.

Extra Special Reserve?

Those chubby cheeks sported by Marlon Brando as Don Vito in the Godfather had to be specially prepared for each day's filming by an Argentinian prostitute who would salivate on pieces of cotton wool which had previously been soaked in Jack Daniels regurgitated by the hooker. Mr Brando insisted that the padding be prepared in this fashion, and that all people present in the room at the time ingest at least 1 gram of cocaine and wear a cowboy hat on their left foot.

Fashion Victim

The classic 1970s pants worn by Sigourney Weaver at the end of Alien were actually designed by a Mr T Stale of Manchester who won a competition, run by the Guardian newspaper, by correctly answering the question: "Who won at pontoon mother?" Mr Stale continues to pursue his career in fashion, mainly by leaving soiled handkerchiefs among the lingerie in department stores across the UK.

Rite of Passage

As part of an initiation rite, new cast members on East Enders are regularly immersed in brine and licked clean by Anita Dobson before made to laugh heartily at a humorous drawing of Queen Victoria eating a jar of jellied ecstasy tablets.

Just Not Cricket

In the 19th century it was not uncommon for cricketers to carry a small piece of cake in the seat of their under-shorts tucked in just behind the scrotum. The ritual was believed to please Pardon, the god of all sports involving silly English clothing and other pompous nonsense.

Tom Foolery

Actor Tom Cruise insists that anyone on a production set earning less than $40,000 refer to him at all times as either Big Stella or Spunky Spunky Tom Toms.

Playing the Game

A game of scrabble that had been going on for over 3000 years on a council estate in the midlands, ended in February 1978. The decision was made by relatives to call the game a draw, when a neighbour noticed that both participants were dead.

State of the Art

The first ever exhibition at the Tate Shed (an independent gallery located within 3.4miles of the famous Millbank gallery) featured an exhibition in which the artist attempted to demonstrate the pointlessness of chairs by setting one on fire before a backdrop spelling out 'COMFY?' in torn up cushion fragments.

All's Fair...

During the first world war, the frenzied hate cultivated between Allied and German troops ceased momentarily on Valentine's Day 1916, when opposing troops exchanged greetings cards made from leaves and mud, all featuring lewd riddles and thinly veiled references to shagging.