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Wednesday, 25 March 2009

The Gospel Truth

Texts known as 'the forgotten gospels' believed to be hidden under the bed of an embarrassed Matthew who wrote them with a really bad hangover, suggest that Jesus had a birthmark on his left arm the shape of a birthmark-shaped potato. On questioning his mother as to the blemish, she spoke of a vague recollection of the infant being tossed across the stable by an amorous goat when she was asleep.

Friday, 13 March 2009

The Funny Pages?

Recent historical research suggests that Chester "Chumps" Flagpole, the Earl of Bucketyshire and notorious nephew of George VI, was in fact a smug little tit-faced fuckbag who regularly liked to devour the roasted babies of poor families plucked at random from the phonebook.

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Take Your Pleasure Where You Find It

Right up until 1940, it was considered perfectly acceptable for French men to masturbate openly in public places such as parks and cafes; the only area in which the act was forbidden was at church during a wedding (funerals were ok). Defecation was also considered a social activity; shit-parties would be held at which unusually shaped excretions were awarded with sexual favours.

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Youth is Wasted...

Television's Ant n Dec live inside a 50ft 'Adidas Fraction' training shoe where they eat nothing but Haribo jelly candies, play twister and talk about their most favourite episodes of Friends (The One With The Nuclear Holocaust), according to reports. They have also been said to romp around a bouncy castle permanently erected in their back garden and to sleep in Star Wars sleeping bags.