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Monday, 28 September 2009

Out On A Limb

The ancient celts practised a sport in which they repeatedly attempted to maim each another, according to a recent research paper. Players on opposing teams would take turns throwing one another across a field covered with sharpened objects such as rocks, blades and disused car parts, in order to inflict as many injuries as possible. The winning team was whichever had the greatest number of remaining limbs after each turn had been taken. Any limbs not fully attached would be ceremonially bitten off by the oldest living male in the clan who would then use them to punish unruly children and animals. Acts such as biting, raping and garrotting were prohibited and would penalised by removing a single limb from the offending side.

Sunday, 13 September 2009

The Worm Turns

The ancient Mayans believed that worms could predict the future! Recent excavations have uncovered a type of ceremonial wooden board on which the insects are believed to have been dropped from a height. Positions at which the worms landed would then be fed into a complex set of formulae and ultimately used to make decisions regarding agriculture, diet and hairstyling. Archaeologists have been forced to revisit previous appraisals of the Mayans as an extremely advanced civilisation. In the light of these discoveries, they are now believed to have been a seriously backward people, I mean worms for christ's sake.

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

The Italian pasta dish Carbonara was traditionally made with the help of the oldest unmarried woman in the local village, who would carry the parmesan cheese around in her undergarments for 2-3 weeks prior to the dish being prepared!