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Monday, 23 November 2009

A Bad Sign?

Scientific research has revealed that Capricorns are more likey to behave like absolute bastards. A recent study published somewhere has found that a significant percentage of people born between the end of December and mid January are total fucking pricks. The scientists involved have yet to comment on any theories as to why this could be the case, but you must admit, we've all known some right arseholes with birthdays at that time of year.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Everything in its Place?

Until 1997, maps produced in the Middle Eastern country of Aphlarkistakn did not depict the Asian province of Xhishting on the grounds that it was the same shape as a lady's fallopian tubes. The ban on reproducing the area's shape was only finally lifted due to a legal loophole through which several leading cartographers had been reported to have tragically fallen.

Sunday, 11 October 2009

Have Your Say So

A little known fact about the UK voting reforms after World War I, in which women were first given the vote, is that a number of other societal groups were also awarded the right to vote for the first time. Men whose earlobes were longer than half an inch had previously been denied the ability to vote, on the grounds that Philip II of Spain, who led the Armada against the rule of Queen Elizabeth I, had strikingly long earlobes himself. Similarly, men who had been diagnosed with any sort of skin condition were not allowed to vote until this time, as skin blemishes were widely believed to be a sign of demonic possession.

Monday, 28 September 2009

Out On A Limb

The ancient celts practised a sport in which they repeatedly attempted to maim each another, according to a recent research paper. Players on opposing teams would take turns throwing one another across a field covered with sharpened objects such as rocks, blades and disused car parts, in order to inflict as many injuries as possible. The winning team was whichever had the greatest number of remaining limbs after each turn had been taken. Any limbs not fully attached would be ceremonially bitten off by the oldest living male in the clan who would then use them to punish unruly children and animals. Acts such as biting, raping and garrotting were prohibited and would penalised by removing a single limb from the offending side.

Sunday, 13 September 2009

The Worm Turns

The ancient Mayans believed that worms could predict the future! Recent excavations have uncovered a type of ceremonial wooden board on which the insects are believed to have been dropped from a height. Positions at which the worms landed would then be fed into a complex set of formulae and ultimately used to make decisions regarding agriculture, diet and hairstyling. Archaeologists have been forced to revisit previous appraisals of the Mayans as an extremely advanced civilisation. In the light of these discoveries, they are now believed to have been a seriously backward people, I mean worms for christ's sake.

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

The Italian pasta dish Carbonara was traditionally made with the help of the oldest unmarried woman in the local village, who would carry the parmesan cheese around in her undergarments for 2-3 weeks prior to the dish being prepared!

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Butter Wouldn't Melt

Leonardo Da Vinci suffered from a crippling aversion to butter, according to recent historical research. The phobia was a well-kept secret until the recent publication of documents describing an episode during which he was said to have screamed like a child, knocked over a sacred table and spoken in tongues on having been offered a light snack during a Vatican gathering.

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Wrapped Around Your Little Finger?

Pie-makers in Eighteenth century Florence were permitted by law to insert a finger into any citizen of their choice, every second Friday during Lent. The law has been widely attributed to an influential nephew of Victor Emmanuel II, who is also believed to have invented the jacket.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Down in the Mouth

Lawmakers in the Eastern European province of Batserjan are considering a controversial constitutional change which will outlaw use of the mouth on a Tuesday. The ban will prohibit activities such as licking an ice-cream van, singing a rousing melody and kissing a dying sailor, all of which are said to be popular activities in the region.

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Letter of the Law

A new dictionary is to be developed for members of the Church of the Unfallen Moon, who object to traditional volumes on the grounds that they use some words containing the letter F, which church followers believe to be extremely dangerous. According to UfM texts, words that contain the letter produce higher levels of 'malign fibrous energy' in the atmosphere, leading to increased frivolity in the vapid.

Wednesday, 6 May 2009

Keeping It Real

Scientists have discovered the true nature of reality - and it's taupe! Having first assured us that we ordinary folks needn't concern ourselves with the detail, Dr Neil Maccckie of the Royal Phenomenofactical Institute tried to explain the development in layman's terms:
"If you think of a kind-of spongy block of concrete cheese, then imagine it being sliced into an infinite number of perpendicular pieces from the inside. Now imagine these innumerable pieces floating off in every direction, but as they move forward in space, they move sideways in time, so that everywhere is somewhere, and nowhere is upside down. It's a little like that really, but without the foam."
Thinkers at the Institute are expected to use the discovery to further their campaign to prevent schoolteachers from hesitating before answering complicated questions from pupils about truth, consciousness and morality.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

A woman needs a book like a fish needs...?

Women are to be prevented from entering bookshops as part of an upcoming scheme to further empower them. Instead, all towns in the UK will feature branches of the all-female 'Fabuloustorez!' chain, in which they will be encouraged to purchase 'chick-lit', relationship based self-help publications and glossy magazines in a female-focussed environment, with powerful spotlights and mirrors on every surface so that guests can view themselves at every imaginable angle without even having to visit a high street changing room. It is hoped that the new stores will allow the complex modern woman to get her 'fix' of empty-headed prose without the inconvenience of being surrounded by literature, politics, history, philosophy and science, which are naturally of no relevance whatever. The scheme replaces last year's controversial proposal for a country-wide system of 'Truth Booths' in which women would stand naked staring at the word "unfuckable" for 40 minutes a day.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

The Gospel Truth

Texts known as 'the forgotten gospels' believed to be hidden under the bed of an embarrassed Matthew who wrote them with a really bad hangover, suggest that Jesus had a birthmark on his left arm the shape of a birthmark-shaped potato. On questioning his mother as to the blemish, she spoke of a vague recollection of the infant being tossed across the stable by an amorous goat when she was asleep.

Friday, 13 March 2009

The Funny Pages?

Recent historical research suggests that Chester "Chumps" Flagpole, the Earl of Bucketyshire and notorious nephew of George VI, was in fact a smug little tit-faced fuckbag who regularly liked to devour the roasted babies of poor families plucked at random from the phonebook.

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Take Your Pleasure Where You Find It

Right up until 1940, it was considered perfectly acceptable for French men to masturbate openly in public places such as parks and cafes; the only area in which the act was forbidden was at church during a wedding (funerals were ok). Defecation was also considered a social activity; shit-parties would be held at which unusually shaped excretions were awarded with sexual favours.

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Youth is Wasted...

Television's Ant n Dec live inside a 50ft 'Adidas Fraction' training shoe where they eat nothing but Haribo jelly candies, play twister and talk about their most favourite episodes of Friends (The One With The Nuclear Holocaust), according to reports. They have also been said to romp around a bouncy castle permanently erected in their back garden and to sleep in Star Wars sleeping bags.

Friday, 27 February 2009

Not Big, But Clever

Locusts have an average IQ of 162 and can understand most computer programming languages, a recent study has shown. They enjoy the novels of Proust, but find Jane Austen a bit tedious.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Good Things Come in Small Packages

Donald Sutherland paid a dwarf to follow him around for six months leading up to the filming of Don't Look Now. The intention was to make him feel sufficiently unnerved, but he and the dwarf actually became friends, forming an acquaintance that led to the marriage of Sutherland's daughter Validity to an overweight bus driver and his sarcastic veterinarian sidekick.

Extra Special Reserve?

Those chubby cheeks sported by Marlon Brando as Don Vito in the Godfather had to be specially prepared for each day's filming by an Argentinian prostitute who would salivate on pieces of cotton wool which had previously been soaked in Jack Daniels regurgitated by the hooker. Mr Brando insisted that the padding be prepared in this fashion, and that all people present in the room at the time ingest at least 1 gram of cocaine and wear a cowboy hat on their left foot.

Fashion Victim

The classic 1970s pants worn by Sigourney Weaver at the end of Alien were actually designed by a Mr T Stale of Manchester who won a competition, run by the Guardian newspaper, by correctly answering the question: "Who won at pontoon mother?" Mr Stale continues to pursue his career in fashion, mainly by leaving soiled handkerchiefs among the lingerie in department stores across the UK.

Rite of Passage

As part of an initiation rite, new cast members on East Enders are regularly immersed in brine and licked clean by Anita Dobson before made to laugh heartily at a humorous drawing of Queen Victoria eating a jar of jellied ecstasy tablets.

Just Not Cricket

In the 19th century it was not uncommon for cricketers to carry a small piece of cake in the seat of their under-shorts tucked in just behind the scrotum. The ritual was believed to please Pardon, the god of all sports involving silly English clothing and other pompous nonsense.

Tom Foolery

Actor Tom Cruise insists that anyone on a production set earning less than $40,000 refer to him at all times as either Big Stella or Spunky Spunky Tom Toms.

Playing the Game

A game of scrabble that had been going on for over 3000 years on a council estate in the midlands, ended in February 1978. The decision was made by relatives to call the game a draw, when a neighbour noticed that both participants were dead.

State of the Art

The first ever exhibition at the Tate Shed (an independent gallery located within 3.4miles of the famous Millbank gallery) featured an exhibition in which the artist attempted to demonstrate the pointlessness of chairs by setting one on fire before a backdrop spelling out 'COMFY?' in torn up cushion fragments.

All's Fair...

During the first world war, the frenzied hate cultivated between Allied and German troops ceased momentarily on Valentine's Day 1916, when opposing troops exchanged greetings cards made from leaves and mud, all featuring lewd riddles and thinly veiled references to shagging.