Who's Who

Marylin Monroe owned a collection of vintage bedpans that she liked to use as unusual flower vases. That's just one of the revelations in a fantastic new book, which provides an unprecedented insight into the private lives of such stars as James Dean, Rock Hudson and Russ Abbott. Among the more surprising revelations is the news that James Cagney once paid for a sickly relative to fulfil their lifelong dream of parachuting into an artificial lake filled with cream soda. Christ, I Didn't Expect That Type Of Thing by Zackary Rackman is out next week.

Bad Hair Day

Chewbacca's costume in the first Star Wars movie was actually woven from the hair of George Lucas' children in a budget minimising move. The children had to have their heads shaved several times in the run up to the production, and rumour has it the family dog was also roped in to the procedure when the children failed to produce enough hair in time for filming.

The production was famously short on funds, and a number of innovative cost-cutting measures were employed. Princess Leia's white gown doubled up as a bed sheet, while Alec Guinness reportedly donated a pair of false earlobes that he had worn as a prop in The Ladykillers, which were auctioned off to raise money. Previous tales of Harrison Ford demanding two chocolate biscuits per day when the budget would only stretch to one per cast member have consistently been denied.

Waste Not

Up until the 1950s it was not uncommon for carpets to be woven from recycled skin and hair. During the war years it was of course necessary to economise wherever possible, and home furnishings were no exception. Many families used bodily fluids to add a little colour to their wall paint, and in particularly deprived areas, men's beard shavings would often be used by the ladies in the house for makeup, and toenail clippings found new lives as an alternative to dessicated coconut for children's birthday cakes.

Bent Out Of Shape

We all know that the combined shapes of Turkey, Malaysia and Jamaica look like a freshly baked shepherds pie, but did you know that if you trace the outlines of Japan, Iceland, Nottingham and the Blackpool Pleasure Beach and place them all in a line, perpendicular and adjacent to one another that they form an uncanny resemblance to Orson Welles' left ventricle? Thought not.

Old Hat

A shocking discovery has been made by a recent study into Britain's museums. The research, commissioned by the Institute For Finding Important Finds, found that an alarming 98% of exhibits are actually extremely boring and pointless. The find comes as good news to the hoards of children and new boy/girlfriends who feel compelled to feign interest at the thousands of museum pieces every year on days out that could better be spent drinking, eating fast food and committing violent acts against passers by.

Picture Perfect

Research has revealed that celebrated director Alfred Hitchcock liked to work in some pretty unorthodox ways. Stories of his strange demands have long been the stuff of Hollywood legend, but an extensive study carried out by the Institute for Filmic Speculation verifies that many of the accounts do in fact appear to be accurate. According to these, the director had a habit of pinching the faces and necks of his leading actors, and also liked to draw sketches of them, which he would then chew up and eat in front of them if they failed to deliver a satisfactory performance. The commonly recounted story of the day Hitchcock allegedly smashed and later set fire to Tippi Hedren's penis-shaped umbrella stand has not yet been verified.

Lucky Stars

An upcoming book is set to reveal some startling facts about the Hollywood stars of yesteryear. Rich Tallbag spent the last four years researching the work, which has already been met with legal threats from the estates of some of those featured. Mr Tallbag is confident in his research though, and publishers are hoping to push the tome through by the Ides of March 2011 in time for the 14th Edinburgh International Festival of Tawdry Nostalgia in Book Form. Leaked excerpts from the book include such nuggets of gossip as James Cagney's naked underwater defecation habit, Jackie Gleason's six tonne dancing racist toilet brush and Rita Hayworth's artificial torso.

The jig is up

A new dance craze is sweeping the region of Anathema in central Asia. The style is a startlingly unconventional fusion of tap, ballet and the birdie dance, culminating in the beheading of a nearby statue where possible. Teens in the area are hooked on the craze, to the virtually exhaustive misapproval of their parents, most of whom believe the dance can only lead to moral incertitude at best. Rebellious youngsters are busily organising festivals at which the dance is performed competitively, winners being afforded the chance to writhe enthusiastically around on a bedsheet that was once believed to have accommodated a weary Hedy Lamarr.

Hell on Wheels?

The Ford Motor Company made a speedy withdrawal of a car introduced to the European market in the late 1930s. The model, called the Ford Nazi, was a luxury motor car aimed at the top end of the motoring market, such as it was between the wars. The company had carried out research in targeting the wealthiest European countries, naming the new vehicles with reference to current events and culture. It is believed that the car was also intended to commemorate the well-documented mutual admiration between Henry Ford and the then German Chancellor, Adolf Hitler. Ford eventually bowed to pressure, withdrew and apparently destroyed the vehicles following a series of protests, but rumour has it a certain movie actor, famed for his less than affectionate comments regarding the Jewish people, has one locked away in a secret storage facility hidden under the Grand Canyon.

Power Corrupts?

Maggots eat plutonium! According to recent research that is. Scientists working to reassure those of us who persist in worrying about the ever increasing use of nuclear power are claiming to have conclusively proven the ease with which nuclear waste can be disposed. Experiments with vermin failed but the research group responsible for the project made a triumphant announcement this week. Apparently the maggots involved in the study just couldn't get enough of the stuff either. And early reports of any side effects in the insects seem encouraging, with the only negative consequences noted to date including a slightly unpleasant smell, a change in musical tastes, and a tendency for a small portion of the maggots to turn into psychotic 50 foot flying radioactive lizard beasts.

Catch Me If You Can?

Few people are aware that the tradition of throwing the bouquet at a wedding actually originated in a practise first observed in wartime Europe during the Holocaust. Jewish families who had been found by the Nazis and who were being forcibly taken to the death camps would throw flowers, petals, and other small objects such as pebbles or cous cous, in an attempt to warn others in the area. The practise was brought to the UK by survivors who moved here after the war, and wished to preserve the memory of the atrocities that they and their families had experienced for future generations. It is as yet unclear whether or not any other prevalent wedding traditions, such as the "pink angel and strap-on" themed hen-night, hymen repair surgery, or reception highlight, the Grease mega-mix, were also forged through circumstances relating to mass genocide.

Red Tape?

Few people know this, but it's technically impossible for a colour-blind person to be elected Prime Minister of Great Britain. One of our many baffling ancient laws holds that anyone who cannot 'discern apple from bloodied calf' should not be trusted with the highest office. In the event that a person suffering from colour blindness is in fact leader of the winning party in a general election, it is estimated that the cost to the taxpayer, for the requisite legal processes involved in ratifying the result, may stretch upwards of exorbitant.

Sink or Swim

In the Welsh region of Brosiekaptwyth it is traditional to welcome a new baby into the community by immersing it bodily in cider for upwards of 3 minutes. The practise, observed for hundreds of years, is currently under threat due to the latest, extremely strict interpretation of Health and Safety laws on the part of the local council, who claim that there is an inherent risk of death to the child - despite the fact that in the past 10 years only 70% of the babies born in the area have actually died during the ceremony, and only 40% of the remaining 30% died on the same day. Where is this interference going to end? I'm having my annual Deer and Turkey Fuck and Feed Fest Fun and Child Stab Party Day next week and I dare officials to try and stop me.

On the Sauce?

Brown Sauce turns into a kind of liquid amber if you pass it through a sieve made from satirised copper. A Mr Gip of Saltcoats is believed to have been the first person to discover this unusual fact when he was conducting a series of experiments into the properties of various condiments on behalf of the publican's association. So far the technique has remained mainly the practise of sole enthusiasts, but a recent trend for edible accessories has seen the creation of a range of related products, such as the havoc inspired berry shaped turtle helmet keyrings currently on sale at Halfords and La Senza.

On The Ball

A hitherto undiscovered musical instrument was discovered last week by archaeologists working on a remote Greek island. The instrument was said to have been played using the genitals of the most overweight male in the local area. Rhythmic and often truly melodic sounds would be made by rubbing the glans against holes in the object while shaking it back and forth at the same time. Sure, it all sounds fascinating, but last night researchers, having been put under repeated pressure by the press, were forced to admit that it might actually just be a discarded car part.

The Future Is Now

Recent historical research has uncovered previously unseen documents in which the alleged illegitimate son of Queen Elizabeth I is reported to have made a series of predictions that later turned out to be true. The troubled child, who was hidden away not only on the basis that he had been conceived out of wedlock, but also because he had an undiagnosed condition scholars believe would now be easily identified as schizophrenic eczema, due to which he developed at an early age, a habit of attempting to lick the shins of anyone who happened to have black hair on their face. Leaked information indicates that among the predictions recorded are the First World War, the Holocaust and second runner up of X Factor 2008. The provenance of the find has yet to be established but it seems safe at this stage to assume that they are indeed authentic, although there is always a chance it'll turn out to be a complete pile of shite.