The Future Is Now

Recent historical research has uncovered previously unseen documents in which the alleged illegitimate son of Queen Elizabeth I is reported to have made a series of predictions that later turned out to be true. The troubled child, who was hidden away not only on the basis that he had been conceived out of wedlock, but also because he had an undiagnosed condition scholars believe would now be easily identified as schizophrenic eczema, due to which he developed at an early age, a habit of attempting to lick the shins of anyone who happened to have black hair on their face. Leaked information indicates that among the predictions recorded are the First World War, the Holocaust and second runner up of X Factor 2008. The provenance of the find has yet to be established but it seems safe at this stage to assume that they are indeed authentic, although there is always a chance it'll turn out to be a complete pile of shite.